XVI
And now I know how Joan of Arc felt.
Now I know how Joan of Arc felt.
As the flames rose to her Roman nose
And her hearing aid started to melt.
Bigmouth Strikes Again, The Smiths
In the winter of 2013, when I was working at the call centre, I used to wake up for early shifts at 6 a.m. It was pitch-black outside and I rushed into my clothes, uncomfortable and freezing, then brushed my teeth in the cold bathroom, whilst avoiding looking at myself in the mirror. I must have looked terrible and I felt even worse.
Before I left the house, I forced down some warm porridge – my only refuge after having dragged myself out of bed. The SAD light was on and fired its 10,000 LUX into my creased face. It felt weird, looking out of the window into the dark morning whilst having my personal sunrise in a tiny kitchen. Wasn't it depressing that the sun would not yet be above the horizon when I entered my work place and would be down again when I left it at 4.30 p.m.?
On my way to work I tried to think of something that could distract me from the miserable weather and the thought of having to answer phone calls from 7.30 a.m. I usually listened to The Smiths to make me feel better, which is somehow quite contradictory as their lyrics are not well known for being overly optimistic. And yet – as I merged into the songs, becoming Bigmouth and feeling the Thorn In My Side (even though I am a girl), trying not to get hit by the next Double-decker bus, a warm feeling emerged.
The Smiths promised me something bigger. I had definitely not come to London for a shitty-paid job, a midget flat (and beg-bug-infested room, as it turned out later) and for a life without sunshine and friends. I realized then what I had come for. Deep down inside me I felt the hope of success rising which the city apparently had to offer. These moments weren't so much about the question when my break-through would happen, but about the certainty that it would eventually happen. I guess the thought kept me going and spurred me on to apply for better jobs.
This is, of course, all very nice and thanks to Morrissey and Johnny Marr for being such great musicians, but I would be lying if I said this was all it took to get me through the first half year. I am dead certain I wouldn't have made it that far without my best friend. There were times when I missed home so much I wanted to leave this bloody city and get on the next plane to Austria (or anywhere, the leaving part was the important bit). I am glad Dan put so much effort into keeping me positive as he was the one who initially dragged me to his island. I don’t know where he gained the strength to be my psychotherapist at a time when life wasn't easy for him either but I am so proud of us for having stayed.
Like in any good story, the gloomy winter finally came to an end and suddenly, everything changed dramatically. London turned from Jack-the-Ripper-Town into a bigger version of Vienna, in short, a Happy Place, with lots of things to do and see. We were now able to meet people, to actually make friends and enjoy ourselves.Cycling to work saved me the money I could spend on cultural events, going out, discovering England and flying to Austria. Moving to a new place helped, too. Long, desperate nights of scratching myself bloody and being convinced that I had gone nuts were in the past and I enjoyed my first comfortable sleep in seven months, without my insectoid nightmare.
The second half of my year abroad has, surprisingly, been one of regular and unexpected good news. I decided to hand in my notice at the call centre as I was offered work experience at Penguin, a publishing company I had admired for a long time. The main reason I got this internship is that I didn't keep my mouth shut, like I had done too often in my life. What I've learned is: if you want something, just talk to people, ask them for help and don't think you're getting on someone's nerves. If you need some inspiration, watch the great Amanda Palmer on TED: http://www.ted.com/talks/amanda_palmer_the_art_of_asking.
My risky choice of going back into unemployment turned out to be the right one as the internship opened other doors for me and got me in touch with some great people. As if all of this hadn't been enough, I was suddenly offered a scholarship for a Masters at UCL, a world-renowned university. This is perhaps the best thing that could have happened as it will finally challenge my brain once again, after two years of mental stagnation.
My risky choice of going back into unemployment turned out to be the right one as the internship opened other doors for me and got me in touch with some great people. As if all of this hadn't been enough, I was suddenly offered a scholarship for a Masters at UCL, a world-renowned university. This is perhaps the best thing that could have happened as it will finally challenge my brain once again, after two years of mental stagnation.
Sometimes it’s hard to take it all in: Within a year I have changed from a frozen, moody and lonely call girl without any directions into a much happier and successful woman with new friends and goals to hold on to. Even though I know that life usually provides a down-period after an up-period, and even though there will be dark days of despair or loneliness in the future when everything turns from gold into shit, it will now be a lot easier to accept this fact and get on with it. There's new and old friends beside me who I trust to help out in moments like these.
I've never grown up quicker than in the last twelve months and I would have never made any of these formative experiences had I not spread my wings and jumped out of my comfortable nest. Thank you, London, for teaching me this intense, partly horrifying, but overall amazing lesson. And thank you, Dan, for giving me that final push that made me fly.
