XIX
I'm on a fast train now. After all those years of looming in busy waiting rooms; of slouching over coffee on a gorgeous, but inevitably slow, 19th-century steam train; after all this changing of directions by choosing regional trains that never take me anywhere and the feeling that my train has been parked at the virtual abstellgleis, which is the track for non-functioning carriages, my journey has apparently come to an end; or maybe it is only just beginning.
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About 4 years ago, when I was still a student, I felt like Pinocchio, a wooden puppet on strings, who is literally stuck and directed by its makers; who wants to prove he is a real person so he can achieve whatever he likes, but whose dreams always seem to be too far from reality. I realised only later that this was even more the case than I had imagined: the strings stayed attached for a long time, even though I had moved to a different country.
This is why I didn't accept at first that I had already proved to myself and, which has been so deeply rooted since childhood, to my parents, that I could be a high-achiever. The lack of inspiration of what to do with my life and which talents to use made me choose a degree which was amazing, but nonetheless useless when it came to selecting a career path.
Going away from Vienna was a choice I had to make if I didn't want to get stuck in my part-time life or end up doing something I absolutely loathed. But studying another degree at a renowned London university was always going to be a matter of prestige. I didn't understand for a very long time that I was still looking for some kind of recognition. I was afraid that failing to do so would show to everyone that all those years of hard work had been an utter waste of time. That my life so far had been a waste of time.
And so I ignored that all I wanted was already there before me - ready to grab. Why the heck had I never grasped that publishing books was a job that was so clearly up my street? Reading and writing had always been my favourite hobbies from when I was very little but over the years I had buried my dreams of becoming an author in favour of mere recognition. The hope that studying something business or politics-related could lead to a sparkling career in an important field. I pressured myself into something I was not just for the sake of pleasing the ones I loved. My self confidence suffered badly from it and frustration bloomed inside me.
Of course, this low self-esteem is not our own fault; I fully blame society for it. People of my generation thought we could do anything when we were kids but only now we learn how hard it actually is to build up a career. We finish school, we graduate from university and feel we could embrace the world - and then find ourselves at the bottom of it all. If we're not unemployed, we have to do work experience after work experience, which is essentially working hard for free, before someone glimpses some potential in us and gives us a chance. While we feel that our high expectations of life have not been met, modern social media puts the nail in our coffins: our so-called 'friends' portray themselves in a way that puts further doubts in our head. We ask ourselves the ridiculous question: What have I actually achieved so far?
I will not hide the fact that I took on professional help. I was depressed, completely hopeless and, for a long time, I didn't see a way out of my dilemma. Accepting neutral support was the best thing I've ever done. It didn't turn Pinocchio into a real person but it helped me find the scissors to cut loose the strings. It made me realise that my parents were already very proud of me and that they just wanted me to be happy. They welcomed the fact that I would choose the path that was right for me. And - this was the most important thing I learnt from counselling - I started to learn how to be proud of myself and have faith in who I am.
And this is what this current blog is about. I'd like to give the 'generation quarterlife-crisis' some hope and distract them a bit from deceitful facebookish comments and instagrammish pictures.
There might be a stretch after graduating when you have not the faintest idea of what to do - my advice is to get to know yourself. Is the direction you're going really the direction you would have chosen for yourself? Travelling or working abroad might open windows you have never even thought about and might introduce you to people who will show you the backdoor to a brilliant job.
Perhaps you know your path already but it's a long way up. Hang in there, guys. I've waited for two years for a junior level position in publishing to come up that fits my skills and dreams perfectly. All my temporary contract work and internships have eventually paid off. Rejection after rejection hit me hard and yet, it is important to keep going until your personal chance presents itself.
The last advice I want to give you is to open up to people. Not only will you realise how many are in the same boat as you but also, the tips you get are often extremely useful for a future job. If you know that you are depressed, seek professional help. Fortunately, we live in the 21st century, where psychotherapy should no longer be a taboo. If you feel that people close to you might judge you for your emotions, a counsellor will not. They will throw a rope into the deep hole you are in and tell you how to climb up safely.
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I might be scarred from the past two years and sometimes, I might still find it hard to be proud. Then it's important to remind myself of what I've already achieved and how grateful I am for the people who have been there for me. Thank you.
