Splitting Your Soul

XXVI

Last night I woke up from one of those dreams that feel realer than real. I'm an infamous dreamer anyway because I'm usually able to remember all the weird stuff my mind is digesting at night. I was watching my ex-colleagues through a window, working away in their office. Even though I didn't recognise the place I longed to go in there and be part of the team once again; I wanted to belong to a group of people who strive for the same goals. Then I dreamt of various friends of mine who I was saying goodbye to. There were cloud-like streaks of sadness all around me, but I couldn't escape; I never can. Eventually, the dream changed again and sent me abroad to an exotic country. 

***

If you ever have nightmares you know the feeling of waking up all sweaty and experiencing extreme relief that you haven't been killed (or killed someone yourself). I wouldn't describe last night's dream as a nightmare; It was definitely a strange one, though, because I was breathing hard and within seconds I realised that all of the stuff I'd seen in my dream had actually just happened. I have left my job, I am going to leave my London friends behind and I'm off on an adventure to Vietnam this Sunday, before moving back home to Austria.

Our flat is now pretty much empty, except for the boxes that have been packed full to the brim with our things that we've accumulated over the years. We arrived here with three suitcases full of clothes, so how are there now over ten boxes, waiting to be shipped? Last month I had to part with roughly fifty books because I could only take the most valued ones to Austria. I will never say a bad thing about hoarders again.

And then there was our goodbye party last weekend. Celebrating with the people we've grown to love was heart-melting and wonderful, and it reminded me so much of 3.5 years ago when I left my friends behind in Vienna. When I look back at my older blog posts from 2013 I can see how distraught I was, to begin with. Making new friends and settling down in a new country can be as terrifying as it is inspiring. Things have changed, however. I have changed, and somehow, embracing this change made me grow up. I managed to build a new life in this city. And I have now finally split my soul into two pieces; one that belongs to Vienna, and one that will stay here in London. 

Split souls are magnificent yet dangerous things. They can tear you apart or implode if you're not careful. There is a constant desire to be present in both places, so you will never feel quite at ease. When you are in one city you will always miss people, traditions, and habits of the other city. Nevertheless, isn't it something special to have several homes in this world that you can always come back to? I'm proud to have become a proper Londoner. The city has shaped me as a person and it will continue to haunt me in my dreams (and so will my friends if I don't visit them regularly!)

There's only one thing left to say:
Thank ye London, for all you've done. 
I will be back soon.